


The Golden Globes Gamble

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Community: bbt_kink, F/M, Pegging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-23
Updated: 2011-03-23
Packaged: 2017-10-17 05:41:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/173505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard's still pestering Penny with flirting, even though he's dating Bernadette. Penny and Bernadette hatch a plan to shut him up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Golden Globes Gamble

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the [BBT Kink Meme](http://community.livejournal.com/bbt_kink/407.html?thread=195479#t195479). Prompt was as follows:
> 
>  _No, I don't know what on earth would possess Penny to agree to a date with Howard in the first place; presumably Leonard and Sheldon are sleeping together and Raj is seeing Bernadette not-so-behind Howard's back and it's pity sex and every other male on the face of the planet has dropped dead. You tell me, author._
> 
>  _ANYWAY. Howard gets back to Penny's place expecting sexytimes and gets them, only not quite how he was expecting. Ms Big Ol' Five Rodeo Queen is not above using strap-ons to take her partner if she feels they're getting a bit pushy._
> 
>  _Bonus points if Howard screams Raj's name in the middle of it all. Double bonus points if this activates someone's iPhone and calls Raj. Triple bonus points and a rainbow robot unicorn if Raj joins in via phone sex._
> 
> I didn't really end up fulfilling the prompt, but only because I had an attack of morality halfway through and decided that Penny wouldn't hurt Bernadette like that, and writing this was (hopefully) funnier anyway.
> 
> Characters belong to Bill Prady etc. Not making any money off this. Sitting here having a serious 'what the fuck did I just write' moment, actually.

Penny’s clenching her fists in her lap and praying to the unseen Powers That Be as the pretty blonde actress reads out the list of nominees for Best Actor. There’s a lot riding on this.

On her left, Sheldon looks eminently bored. On her right, Howard looks scarily optimistic. She can’t see Bernadette’s face because Bernadette is sitting on the floor, leaning back against Howard’s legs as he absently plays with her hair. Raj, however, looks like he’s about to pee himself with excitement.

Leonard looks as though the outcome of this bet involves her kicking a puppy if she loses and he’s the cowering canine in question.

The camera cuts to each of the nominees in turn and Penny, instead of enjoying the mounting tension like usual, wishes they’d just get on with it. One of the nominees is the presenter’s co-star, but Penny only has eyes for one nominee. Matthew has this unsure but game smile, like he thinks he’s probably in with a chance but he’s not sure whether Sue Sylvester’s going to sneak in and sabotage everything, even though Jane is beside him looking radiant and somehow nothing like her conniving alter ego.

She knows she’s lost even before the presenter reads out the name. Just the look on her face before she squeaks out her co-star’s name gives it away.

Howard lets out an undignified whoop and immediately looks ashamed of himself. Leonard buries his face in his hands. Sheldon just makes that weird noise he thinks is a condescending snort. Bernadette looks up at Penny, the carefully rehearsed look of shock on her face appearing quite genuine.

“Penny, we don’t have to do this,” says Howard.

“A bet’s a bet, Howard,” Bernadette says.

“But... don’t you mind?”

“Well, a little, but I believe in honoring promises, and a bet’s a kind of promise. Besides, this way everyone wins, right? You _finally_ get to sleep with Penny, and then you stop _pestering_ her.”

Penny kind of wishes she’d just won outright, because then she’d get the stop pestering part without the sex part, but she’s pretty sure that Howard would eventually forget and start bugging her again.

This way, she’s going to make _sure_ he doesn’t forget.

Bernadette artfully quarrels with Howard a little longer before getting up and walking out. Howard moves to go after her, but Penny grabs his arm.

“Nuh-uh, Wolowitz. We have unfinished business,” she says loud enough to cover up the sound of Bernadette’s retreating footsteps.

Howard looks stricken. “But Bernadette--”

“Maybe you should have thought about her _before_ you suggested the bet,” Penny says pointedly, and the guilty look on Howard’s face tells her that he didn’t think it through that far.

That’s okay. She and Bernadette did.

“Guys, I think this is a really bad idea,” Leonard says. “Bad on the exploding space toilet level.”

“Who would have guessed?” Sheldon says.

“Oh, good timing on learning how to be sarcastic.”

“Was that sarcasm?” Penny could swear that Sheldon’s grinning wickedly as Leonard groans at him.

She’s still holding Howard’s arm and now gives him an inviting little pull towards her apartment. “Come on, stud. We’ve got places to be.”

* * *

She has him in her bedroom and mostly naked before he stops, still clad in boxer shorts and socks, and shakes his head. “I don’t want to do this, Penny. I don’t want to cheat on Bernadette.”

“You were happy enough to do it with that troll online.”

Howard shifts from foot to foot. “That was a long time ago.”

Penny runs a fingernail down the centre of his chest. “Just relax. Bernadette will understand.”

“I...”

She’s heard enough. Clearly Howard didn’t pay enough attention to her Junior Rodeo stories, because it only takes her forty-five seconds to pin his skinny ass to the bed and secure him to the prearranged restraints -- face down. She can hear him asking, “Penny, what the hell?” through a faceful of teddy bear and mentally revises her dry-cleaning bill for this little encounter upwards another few bucks.

She yanks his boxers off. He flails his legs and one foot catches her in the stomach. She reflexively slaps the back of his thigh and Howard suddenly goes very, very still and rolls his head sideways to look up at her.

“Bernadette told you,” he accuses her.

“It wasn’t her fault, she was drunk.” And Penny had been drunk as well, which was the only reason she hadn’t gagged Bernadette with a cupcake the second that the other girl had brought up sex games.

“I can’t believe she told you!”

Penny can’t believe Howard’s so surprised. What does he think they do on girls’ nights, have pillow fights? (Okay, so there was that one time, but still.)

She just ignores him and finds a scarf that will serve as a blindfold, tying it across his eyes.

Now that he can’t move and can’t see, things can get interesting. She waves silently at the closet door, which is cracked open, and then moves to kneel on the bed, teasing Howard with little tickly touches down his sides, letting his squeaking cover up the sound of the closet door opening up and Bernadette creeping out. She’s got the camera in one hand and unfolds the tripod with the other; the little glowing red light catches Penny’s attention and she can’t help but pull a silly face in Bernadette’s direction, which makes Bernadette bite her lip to keep from cracking up entirely.

Penny chooses not to think too hard about what’s underneath Bernadette’s skirt, but she can see the lines of the harness, the jut of the... well, anyway. It’s not that she’s not an enlightened, mature, sexually aware woman. It’s just that this is _Howard_ they’re talking about here, and she doesn’t particularly want to be sexually aware of _him_.

Howard’s squirming under her hands and she looks sidelong at Bernadette before delivering another slap to Howard’s thigh. He obediently stops moving. Penny raises her eyebrows at Bernadette and Bernadette just responds with a combination of a shrug and a roll of her eyes.

As soon as the camera’s in place Penny gets off the bed, because she doesn’t want to be around for the next part. She gives Howard another smack just because she’s honestly been wishing she could do so for years, although in her imagination he wasn’t naked and tied to her bed and whimpering, just fully clothed and delivering yet another lame-ass pick-up line.

Bernadette takes her place, hitching up her skirt to scramble onto the bed; Penny inadvertently catches sight of the thick, um, _attachment_ Bernadette’s wearing and has to bite her own lip to keep from laughing. Say whatever else you will about him, Howard Wolowitz is a brave, brave man.

Bernadette reaches down and touches him, and Penny starts backing towards the door. The camera does not need her supervision, and she’s pretty damn sure she’ll know when it’s safe to go back in.

“Penny... just how _much_ did Bernadette tell you?” Howard’s voice is shaky.

Bernadette looks back over her shoulder and she and Penny share a wicked smile.

“ _Everything_ ,” Penny says, right before she hightails it out of the door so she doesn’t have to _see_ everything.

* * *

Approximately seven and a half minutes later it becomes apparent that Bernadette _didn’t_ tell her everything, because she never heard about the part where Howard calls out _Raj’s_ name when he’s coming.

Penny puts down her _Cosmo_ and tiptoes back to the bedroom door, peeking between her fingers. Judging from the massive slap that Bernadette lands on Howard’s backside, maybe the name slip-up _isn’t_ normal.

“Howard! I can’t believe you!”

“ _Bernadette_?” Howard tries to wriggle free of the ropes and when that fails tries to knock the blindfold free by head-butting the teddy bear. Penny decides she’s just gonna throw it out. “What the hell is going on?”

Penny decides to take control of the situation and marches into the room. “Blackmail, Howard. _That’s_ what’s going on.” Bernadette pulls out of Howard as Penny marches past her to yank the blindfold off Howard’s head, taking a few hairs with it. Howard yelps and blinks up at her in shock.

“What... what do you mean?”

“Smile for the camera, Howie,” Bernadette says sweetly, bringing the camera around to catch the look on Howard’s face, which is terrified shock laced with dawning comprehension until he flops back down, when it changes to the ever popular apparently-fellating-a-teddy-bear look.

“Was this a test?” he mumbles.

“Not really.” Penny’s impressed that Bernadette can sound so sweet when she’s making a blackmail tape. “It’s mostly so you’ll stop bugging Penny.”

“But... I hardly ever flirt with her any more!”

“Doing it at all’s bad enough when you’re in a relationship,” Penny says. “It’s a royal pain in the ass.” Pause. “Which I imagine you know allll about.”

Howard groans. “Just don’t tell anyone else, okay?”

“We won’t be. As long as you keep your trap shut. No more innuendoes about cheesecakes, cupcakes, sweet cakes, or anything else. No more telling me I’ve got a natural 18 in charisma. No more _anything_ , understand?”

“I understand.”

“Good.” Penny switches the camera off and unties Howard. “Now clean up, you two. I don’t want any reminders of today except for this videotape.”

“You know, technically you didn’t go through with the bet,” Howard says, hastily wrapping the top sheet around himself.

Penny raises an eyebrow at him and taps the tape against the palm of her hand. “Oh yes? Would you like me to take this over there and see if everyone else agrees on whether or not the conditions were fulfilled?”

Howard pales. “No. No. Sorry.”

Penny grins. It’s working already.

She has no compunctions about waltzing back over to the boys’ apartment and telling them she piked while Howard and Bernadette clean up. After all, she couldn’t _possibly_ betray her dear friend Bernadette by sleeping with her boyfriend. That’d just be _wrong_. Any other betrayal, blackmail, or bluffing is between her, Howard, Bernadette, and the videotape now disguised as a copy of _Bridget Jones’s Diary_. He’ll _never_ look there.

 


End file.
